But I Didn’t Say
Goodbye is a
book seen through the eyes of Alex, an eleven-year-old boy, whose father has died
by suicide. This story is a glimpse into a child’s traumatic and life changing
personal experience. But
I Didn’t Say Goodbye introduces
you to a bereaved family immediately after a suicide and ends five years later.
The dialogue in each chapter will show you how you can help develop honest,
open communication between children and the people in their lives. Alex’s
questions are the same as many other children following a suicide. Chapter 1,
The Worst Day, focuses on the difficulty and emotional strain involved in
telling children that someone they loved has died by suicide. Chapter 2, The
Next Day, identifies the concerns children may think about and share as they
search for answers as to why someone died by suicide. Chapter 3, Talking About
the Funeral, illustrates the process of explaining funeral ceremonies and burial
procedures to children. Chapter 4, Telling a Friend What Happened, explores the
importance of sharing one’s story for the first time. You will compare the
bereavement experience of a five-year-old child, an eleven-year-old adolescent
and fourteen-year-old teenager. Chapter 5, A Mourning Ritual, focuses on healing
rituals adults can share with bereaved children. Chapter 6, Grandma’s Special
Gift, shows the significance of giving bereaved children special objects that
once belonged to the deceased. You will identify how objects, individuals, and
locations are capable of making children feel safe. Chapter 7, When Grief Hurts,
takes a look at the grief response in children after a suicide. You will list
ways to explain the grief process to children to help them cope with their
painful feelings. Chapter 8, Catching Up with Coach, focuses on caring adults
recognizing fears in grieving children and explaining ways to cope with those
fears. Chapter 9, One Month Later, describes issues related to blame. Chapter
10, Six Months Later, identifies the benefit of bereavement counseling. Chapter
11, One Year Anniversary, reviews the lessons that have helped shape a child’s
experience a year after the suicide. Chapter 12, Five Years Later, illustrates
ways to cope with triggers and continue the bond with the deceased five years
after the suicide.
Use this book in a way that works for you and the bereaved
children and families you are helping. Children need adults they can rely on
for honest answers based on age, emotional, and developmental level.
Children may be reluctant to talk about the suicide. Shame and stigma may
cloud the truth if the family has not been honest about what happened.
Hoping to change the language in efforts to avoid the stigma of suicide, the
phrase, ‘died by suicide’ or ‘died of suicide’ is used throughout this book,
rather than ‘committed suicide.’ ‘Committed suicide’ has been commonly used
to describe when individuals take their own life. ‘Died by suicide,’ ‘died
of suicide,’ ‘died from suicide’ or ‘completed suicide’ don’t carry the
stigma of criminality. This terminology is consistent with how people
describe other types of death such as ‘died of cancer’ or ‘died by
accident’, and thus died by suicide. At the end of each chapter, you have a
space for written expression, Let’s Identify Your Thoughts and Feelings. These activities can be used in school counseling sessions, support
groups, therapy sessions, or at home. Finally, I offer a “Resources”
section, which includes a statement of suicide loss rights, a list of books
for bereaved children, teens, parents and professionals, bereavement
resources and support after a suicide, information on how to locate adult
bereavement support groups after a suicide, grief programs for children,
teens, and families, sources to help you obtain financial information after
a sudden death, and the national suicide prevention lifeline number.
In Praise of
But I Didn't Say
Goodbye
"This is an extraordinary
resource to help children deal with the difficult often hidden and
stigmatizing after effects of suicide-one that is honest and respectful of
the child’s intelligence and resiliency. This new edition includes even more
information and resources making it an essential tool for anyone who is
helping children and families cope with this most difficult loss. I strongly
recommend it."
Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, Professor of Gerontology, College of New
Rochelle, NY, Senior Consultant Hospice Foundation of America
"In this completely revised and updated edition of her landmark book,
Barbara Rubel spells out the basics in easily readable format. She offers
specific suggestions and practical ideas on how to talk with grieving
children and adolescents after a suicide. If your family member or friend
died by suicide or you are helping families after a suicide, you must read
this book!"
Helen Fitzgerald, author, The Grieving Child, The Grieving Teen, and
The Mourning Handbook, Coordinator of the first U.S. grief program in a
community mental health center
"
But
I Didn’t Say Goodbye
offers a comprehensive workbook
to help kids cope with suicide. This book that discusses postvention truly
is prevention for the next generation."
Michelle-Linn-Gust, PhD, Survivor Division Chair, American Association
of Suicidology, author, Do They Have Bad Days in Heaven? Surviving the
Suicide Loss of a Sibling
"This is a must have book on
a much neglected topic: helping children cope and heal after suicide loss.
As someone who works in the area of childhood grief, I am so pleased to find
such a valuable resource. Written from the perspective of a child, this book
contains important information for parents, professionals and children.
But I
Didn’t Say Goodbye
serves as a powerful reminder
that surviving a suicide loss may define a child's life, but it doesn't
destroy a child's life. Parents and professionals also learn about the
resilience of children and about their love, compassion, and forgiveness.
Barbara Rubel reminds us that even though we didn't say goodbye, our loved
ones remain forever in our hearts and in our memories."
Heidi Horsley, PsyD, author, with Eric Hipple and Gloria Horsley, Real
Men Do Cry: A Quarterback’s Inspiring Story of Tackling Depression and
Surviving Suicide Loss. Licensed Psychologist, Radio Show Host: Healing the
Grieving Heart, Executive Director: Open to Hope Foundation
“But I Didn't Say
Goodbye is an inspiring chronicle of the five year journey of an
eleven-year-old suicide survivor. Barbara Rubel presents a powerful portrait
of the myriad of thoughts and feelings so common to those of all ages after
the death of a friend or family member by suicide. This story helps readers
to normalize their grief and not feel isolated after this sudden and
traumatic death. But I Didn't Say Goodbye also serves as a practice resource
and tool to work with children and adults with the delicate and sensitive
topic of suicide. It is an invaluable guide for all those facing the
aftermath of suicide and an inspiration of hope for acceptance of one of
life's most difficult challenges. I recommend it highly.”
Linda Goldman, author,
Life and Loss, Breaking the Silence, Bart Speaks Out, Raising our Children
to be Resilient and Coming Out, Coming In
“Why do you push me
aside?", ask grieving adults. Kids ask (in their way), too! It is a sad way
of life for many on their grief journey. When the loss is due to suicide,
the grievers may feel pushed so far that they are off the planet. Even with
all the efforts to educate, heighten awareness, and change attitudes, it
still is common that the horrific sorrow of suicide grief is compounded, not
comforted, by all too many. Barbara Rubel has given much of her professional
life to the needs of the bereaved, especially those most marginalized. This
book must be read, and read again, so that we can be messengers of hope to
these grieving adults . . . and kids!”
Rev. Richard B.
Gilbert, PhD, CT, Faculty, Mercy College, Dobbs Ferry, NY, Benedictine
University of Illinois and The Graduate Theological Foundation
“This book is
accessible and useful both for suicide survivors and for those trying to
help them through the experience. Children and others will readily relate to
the narrator's personal experience. Professionals, parents, and others can
use this book as a foundation and guide to supporting survivors of suicide
on their path towards healing.”
Ricky Greenwald,
PsyD, Founder/Director, Child Trauma Institute; author, Child Trauma
Handbook
“Barbara Rubel has
written a much needed fictional story that applies the thoughts, emotions,
and experiences of a young boy who has lost his father to a suicide. Rubel
takes the fictional family through the grieving process in a sensitive and
compassionate way. This is an area which takes great courage to address and
yet the most vulnerable of our society, our children are often left
struggling to comprehend what has happened, and what has happened to them in
terms of loss and grieving. I am delighted that Rubel has combined both
fiction with hands on activities and questions to help foster discussion
with children. I recommend this valuable book and resource to anyone—both
professionals and families.”
Julia Sorensen,
Therapist and author, Overcoming Loss: Stories and Activities to Help
Children Transform Grief and Loss, Canada
“But I Didn’t Say Goodbye is an
easy-to-read guide which provides valuable insights and practical ideas for
helping adolescents who have lost someone to suicide to regain control over
devastating emotions.”
Bev Cobain, author,
When Nothing Matters Anymore: A Survival Guide for Depressed Teens, and
Dying to be Free: A Healing Guide for Families After a Suicide
“I wish I'd had But I
Didn't Say Goodbye when my brother, Bill, died by suicide 28 years ago. This
book would have helped me through much of the pain in the days immediately
following his death and prevented many of the missteps I took along the way.
Barbara Rubel's deft handling of the many horrific facets of suicide loss
was as artistic as it was powerful. The book's style and insight will bring
families closer and help heal the heart of those who've lost—be they young
or old. But I Didn't Say Goodbye beautifully weaves all of the emotion and
terrifying issues a child faces when they've lost a parent to suicide,
solidifying its place as an invaluable resource for survivors. While
addressing the painful elements of the survivor's experience (fear, longing,
guilt, stigma), Rubel also addresses the role of mental illness and the need
for open, honest communication among the family. Use this book as a guide
for your own healing the first time and as a source of solace every time
thereafter.”
Mike Reynolds,
author, Surviving Bill
“Barbara Rubel’s, But
I Didn’t Say Goodbye, 2nd Edition, is an incredible resource written with
compassion, empathy and insight. It is a comprehensive guide to utilize in
addressing the many challenges facing survivors. Additionally, this book
will empower professional caregivers in their work with those grieving a
suicide.”
Doreen Cammarata
MS, LMHC, author, Someone I Love Died by Suicide: A Story for Child
Survivors and Those who Care for Them
“For far too long
suicide has remained in the closet. Throughout my career working with
children and families, suicide was consistently the most difficult loss for
families to cope with, oftentimes due to the secrecy imposed by parents who
believed they were protecting their children from the pain the truth would
cause. “But I Didn’t Say Goodbye” is one of the few resources available to
help children and families grieving due to the death of a loved one by
suicide. Barbara Rubel has written a book that takes us along as the family
struggles to heal after the suicide of the father. This book is an
invaluable tool to assist children in understanding and working with their
own feelings and experience, while also providing parents with a guideline
for communicating with their children. I highly recommend this important
resource.”
Virginia A. Simpson,
Ph.D., FT, Founder, Executive Director & Program Director, The Mourning Star
Center; Director of Grief Education, FuneralOne
“But I Didn’t Say
Goodbye is a wonderful book that stimulates both thoughts and feelings. The
book is very well written and is a unique resource for adolescents and
preadolescents if they experience a death by suicide. Reading this book will
make an important contribution to their understanding. When young people
experience a suicide in the family or another sudden death of a loved one,
they often experience strange thoughts and more intense feelings than ever
before. But I Didn’t Say Goodbye represents a unique gift to them as it, in
a concrete way, describes the questions they will have to deal with and the
answers (and lack of answers) to be found. This book will help them
integrate the past, increase their grip on the present, and make them
hopeful for the future. The author has, in a remarkable way, given them a
map of the unknown terrain they will move in without providing easy
solutions. The chapters or parts of the book can be read between sessions,
discussed in individual sessions, or in grief groups. Parents and sensitive
caretakers can also let this book be a starting point for their own
conversations with a grieving teenager.”
Atle Dyregrov, PhD,
Founder and Director, Center for Crisis Psychology, Bergen, Norway, author,
Grief in Children, Grief in Young Children, and Effective Grief and
Bereavement Support
“A richly imaginative
and innovative work that is solidly grounded and eminently readable . . . An
invaluable resource in the study of suicidology.” –Rabbi Earl Grollman, DHL,
DD, (on the first edition) author with Max Malikow, Living When a Young
Friend Commits Suicide “SAVE applauds the honesty and accuracy of this book.
At long last an author tells the truth to children about the cause of
suicide. The words depression, disease and chemical imbalance in the brain
are music to the ears of suicide prevention advocates working to erase
centuries of ignorance.”
Mary Kluesner (on the
first edition) President, SAVE, Suicide Awareness Voices of Education
“The heartbroken
questing of Alex in But I Didn’t Say Goodbye echo the few, the struggle to
understand, the needed for reassurance and comfort by children bereaved by
suicide everywhere. But I Didn’t Say Goodbye responds to Alex’s questions of
suicide, confident of promoting the child’s healthy grief resolution and
laying a sound foundation for the child’s future well-being.”
LaRita Archibald (on
the first edition) HEARTBEAT, Support in the Aftermath of Suicide
“But I Didn’t Say
Goodbye is clearly outlined. It not only tells us who the book is for, but
how they can use it. The author, Barbara Rubel, begins by telling her own
story, the suicide of her father. The book is as much a need to educate us,
as it is her need for healing. Of course, this is the key to any good
survivors book in the field. What allows this book to resonate to us is the
actual verbalizations of Alex, a young boy faced with the ‘unfaceable’ –his
daddy’s suicide. Barbara guides us through the questions, blames, issues . .
. and PAIN of a young person. It does so through the actual protocols of
Alex–of course, narrative accounts have always been richer than just words.
Suicide notes are a good example. One can feel the boy’s pain . . . the
protocols do justice to the rich individuality of each of us, something that
no statistical, scientific report can. It provides us with the ideographic
approach that has been central to suicidology since Shneidman and Farberow’s
1957 monumental book, Clues to Suicide. Alex’s protocols not only allow us
to understand the young boy's aftershocks but also provide a guide for us to
help–Alex’s dialogues with his mother, uncle, grandparent, coach, show us
direction. It shows a basic fact in postvention. Everyone can help in the
healing process. Indeed, it takes the community to help our Alexs’. As a
final guidance, Barbara Rubel in her book presents the ultimate healing to
quote Alex’s grandmother, ‘I love you Alex.’ Eros can do wonders in our
life.”
Antoon A. Leenaars (on
the first edition) Psychotherapy, Consultation, Research and Specialized
Workshops, Windsor, Ontario Canada
“As someone who, as a
child, lost his father to suicide, I warmly recommend Barbara Rubel’s book.
It will help suicide survivors deal with the bafflement, sense of
abandonment, and depression that are so often the sad legacies of suicide.
Rubel suggests how the child can discover some meaning in an act that often
seems to erode meaning and value, and how the child can begin to cope with
and surmount a tragedy that will, in some respects, be with him or her for a
lifetime.”
Larry Lockridge (on
the first edition) Professor of English, NY University, author, Shade of the
Raintree: The Life and Death of Ross Lockridge, Jr., author of Raintree
County
and
families after a suicide 