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Suggestions for Getting Through the Holidays

. . . A sampling of questions asked of Barbara Rubel on radio and TV programs though the years

I fear that no one will mention my son’s name during the holidays. How do I get them to mention

him without upsetting them?

Does it upset you to talk about your son? If you want to talk about your son, do so! If others get upset,

it is because they miss him. Sharing stories about him may make some people feel sad, but it also feels

good to keep his memory alive. Talk about your son, and those around you may share some of their own

memories of him.

Each year, I put up the same Christmas tree and the same decorations. My only daughter died

this past summer and I just don’t see the point of having traditions if she is not going to be able

to pass them on to her. Are traditions during the holiday worth the effort?

You can do things differently while preserving traditions from the past. Traditions can bring comfort

as you recall what you once shared with your daughter. Though your daughter is no longer sharing in

the traditions or passing them on to her children, you can keep the traditions alive. As you continue the

traditions that take effort, thoughts and memories of your daughter can be shared with others . . .

Perhaps other family members and friends.

I think I am going to be stressed out this holiday. It seems so complicated. What should I do?

It’s simple! Decide what you really want to do and do it . . and decide what you really don't want to do,

and avoid it!

My wife died 8 months ago. I always loved shopping for her and my family and placing the gifts under

the tree. I can envision gifts under the tree and who each of the gifts are for. How am I going to deal

with not having a gift for my wife?

It is painful to think her gift will not be there this year. I can see how not having a gift for your wife under the tree this year could be painful. You can

either place a small tree at her gravesite or another place that your prefer.

Each year my husband and I would visit our next door neighbors for eggnog Christmas morning. They

always expected us and we never called… just walked right in and celebrated with their family. My

husband died a month ago and I don’t know if I should still walk over. What do you think?

It may be hard for you to walk in alone. Since your husband's death, have there been other times

when you needed to do things by yourself? I recommend you walk over knowing that you do not walk alone.

Your husband is with you each step of the way.

I feel like every time I turn around there is another holiday in which my loved one is missing. Is this

my imagination?

This is not your imagination as there are many annual reminders of a loved one’s death, such as New Years

Eve, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas,

their birthday, wedding anniversary, and the anniversary of their death.

Is there a right or wrong way to handle the holidays?

The right way is to do what you want to do. The wrong way is to do what others want you to do.

I purchased a beautiful red candle a few years ago and have never burned it. My husband died eight

months ago and I would like to light it in memory of him during the holidays. When is the best time

to light the candle?

The time to light the candle is when you want to light it and you can burn the candle throughout the holiday

season in memory of your husband.

This is my first Christmas without my wife; I have no idea how I am going to handle it. Honestly I am

scared to tell my children, as they will worry. Should I let them know of my concerns?

You say that you are scared to tell them how you feel. Perhaps they already are worried about you.

If you tell them how you feel, will that push them away or bring them closer? Do they want to help you?

Tell them how you feel. They may have similar concerns.

I have saved every holiday card my son has given to me. He died at the age of 10 this past May.

I ache for another card and know I will never receive one from him. This is not a question, as I don't

think there are any answers.

Though you have not asked a question, I do have a suggestion for you. You can display all of the cards

your son has given you through the years with other holiday cards. Look at them and share them with

those that visit this holiday season.

Should I stay home for the holidays and be with my family or take a vacation?

What do you want to do for the holidays? Where are you thinking of going? Have you discussed this with your

family? Whether you stay home or take a vacation, share the choices with your family and see how they feel

about your not being with them this holiday season.

Opening presents on Christmas Eve was a ritual we always shared. My 6 year old child died three

months ago. I can’t imagine how I am going to be able to open gifts on Christmas Eve. Any advice?

I am sorry to hear of your daughter’s death. Perhaps you can open presents Christmas morning instead

of Christmas Eve.

We have always given our son and daughter one gift each night after lighting the menorah. Our children

would then run off and play with their toys and games together. Our daughter died of cancer this year.

How can we continue the tradition of giving a gift to our remaining child, without him being upset?

Vary the timing of Chanukah gift giving perhaps giving a gift before lighting the menorah.

I have always put the Christmas decorations up but don’t have the energy this year. I think my

grandchildren will be disappointed. Should I just let it go?

Invite your grandchildren to take over decorating the house and the tree.

My wife always sent out Christmas cards. She died 7 months ago and it saddens me to think that

her name won’t be on the card I send. Can I skip cards this year?

If you do not want to send the cards, skip it this year. There is always next year!

Each year I would buy a toy horse to put in my son’s Christmas stocking. He died this year of cancer

and the thought of not buying him a horse for his stocking breaks my heart. Any suggestions?

Consider buying the horse and doing something special for someone else . . . donate the toy to charity.

My husband and child were killed in an accident. I don’t have any other family. My friends are not

available Christmas. I want to cook a festive meal like I have each Christmas. However, my heart is

broken, as I have no one to share it with this year.

It sounds like you enjoy cooking. Perhaps you can adopt a needy family to your home for the holidays.

They would most appreciate sharing it with you.

How can I recognize my wife’s presence on Christmas morning? It has always been a big day for us

and this is the first year without her.

I am sorry to learn of your wife’s death. Burn a special candle to quietly include your loved one or hang

a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings.

My husband died two months ago after a long illness. This past year has been rough on the entire

family. We have three children, ages 4, 7, and 11. I am thinking it best just to skip Christmas

this year. Is that a good idea?

Though your children are grieving, they are probably still looking forward to Christmas. This year

their dad will not be there to help them open their presents and that will make the holiday a difficult

one. You do not have to skip Christmas. Ask your children to pick out 3 special presents

for their dad that can be donated to a charity in his name. They can make special cards

for their dad and tuck them into his Christmas stocking, which can be read on Christmas morning.

I saw an ornament of a reindeer driving a Porsche. It was the same type of car my brother used to

drive. He died last month and I thought it would be nice to buy the ornament and hang it from the

tree. My husband said that it would not be a good idea. What do you think?

Why does your husband think it is not a good idea? Does he think it would upset you? Explain to him why

you want to purchase the ornament. I think you should buy the special decoration for the tree in memory

of your brother if that is what you really want to do.

My husband died three weeks ago. This Christmas, I want to hang a stocking for my husband, but

can’t bare the thought of it hanging there with nothing in it. Any suggestions?

You can write a poem to your husband and read it Christmas day. Have family and friends fill it with

special memories.

My husband always took great pride in making the toast on Christmas Eve. I would like to do it but

don’t know if I will get through it. What should I do?

Getting through the toast is not as difficult as deciding whether or not to do it in the first place. Propose

a toast to the memory of your husband. Mention how he took great pride in raising his glass and proposing

a toast with his family. Invite those in your family to share their memories of him as you all raise your

glass together.

There is going to be a candle light memorial service in our local church. My 8 year old daughter died

of leukemia. I can’t see how this is going to help me cope with her death. How can lighting a candle

possibly help me to feel better?

While we grieve we may feel as though there is no end in sight. A candle lighting is a ritual with a beginning

and end. As you light the candle, you can reflect on the meaning of her life. Being able to share your ritual

with others who are grieving can bring comfort. Perhaps after the candle lighting, there will be time for

sharing your story with other grieving parents.

THANKSGIVING

This is the first Thanksgiving without my husband. I have always cooked the traditional meal and invite

my children and grandchildren. I don’t have the energy to do it this year. I don’t want to disappoint

my family. Should I cook the meal anyway?

Talk with your family. Your child can cook the meal or have each family member bring a dish.

My husband always carved the turkey. He died last month and I dread carving it. How do I and my two

kids eat the turkey if I can’t bring myself to carving it?

Your child can take on the role of carving the turkey. If he or she is too young, place your hand over theirs

and carve it together.

My husband died suddenly after 26 years of marriage. I want to keep my husband’s photograph on

the Thanksgiving table. My daughter said that I am being morbid. Is it a bad idea?

Though your daughter thinks you are being morbid, I think there is nothing wrong with looking at your

husband’s picture if that brings you comfort. Look at his photograph and share memories of his life

with those present at the table.

Each Thanksgiving, my son would play a silly gobble song. He has been doing this for 22 years.

Though we always complained, he made us laugh as we sat though the entire song. He died of AIDS

a few months ago, and I can’t imagine not listening to the gobble song. Do you think my company

will mind if I played it anyway?

I think they will find comfort in it. Listen to the silly song and share the meaning of your son's life and the

many ways in which he continues to make you laugh.

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